At 4:30pm today in Rome, in the presence of the Holy Father, the Sixth General Congregation of the Synod of Bishops on the Family began in the Synod Hall, continuing the general deliberations which are following a thematic order corresponding to the various parts and chapters of the Instrumentum laboris.
This afternoon's session, Difficult pastoral situations (Part II, Chapter 3), focused the attention of the Synod Fathers on two specific points: Familial situations and unions between persons of the same sex.
The President delegate, Cardinal Raymundo Damascene Assis, Archbishop of Aparecida (Brazil), introduced the testimony of a married couple by the names of Stephen and Sandra Conway, from South Africa, who are Regional Respondents for Retrouvailles in Africa. Mister and Mrs. Conway are attending the Synod as auditors.
In this General Congregation, we will address the complex issues presented in Chapter 3 of the second part of the Instrumentum laboris, namely some difficult pastoral situations. These concern two kinds of realities: on one hand, some difficult family situations; and on the other hand, unions between persons of the same sex.
These are situations which require accompaniment by the Church for people who live in particular situations which have the potential to cause profound wounds for humanity, in their relationships with others and with God. Responding to the call of Pope Francis, we want to learn together, the art of accompaniment, in order to reflect our closeness and our compassionate gaze which also heals, liberates and encourages growth in the Christian life (EG, 169).
With regard to difficult family situations which require an urgent pastoral response, the Instrumentum laboris refers to the following reality: cohabitation (81); de facto unions (83); the situation facing those who are separated, divorced and remarried (86); children and those who are alone (87); young mothers (88); canonically irregular situations (89); access to the sacraments in all these cases (93-95); other requests (96); the particular situations facing separated and divorced Catholics (97); the simplification of marriage cases (98-102); the pastoral care of difficult situations (103-104); requests for the Sacrament of Marriage by non-practicing Catholics and non-believers (105-109).
Regarding unions between persons of the same sex, the discussion pertains to the following themes: civil recognition of these unions (110-112); necessary assessments by particular Churches (113-115); some pastoral guidelines in this regard (116-120).
Far from turning inward and examining the situation from a legalistic point of view, we want instead to immerse ourselves in the depths of these difficult situations in order to welcome all those for whom these situations are realities, in order that the Church should be perceived as the Father's house, where there is room for everyone, including those who are fatigued by life. We warmly welcome and thank Stephen and Sandra Conway, a married couple from South Africa who are Regional respondents for the Retrouvailles movement in Africa; let us attentively listen to their testimony with the openness of mind and heart which should characterize our pastoral ministry in the modern world.
Good day. We are Stephen and Sandra Conway - the Co-Ordinators for Retrouvaille in Africa. Retrouvaille is an organization that helps hurting couples who often attend our program as a last resort, before separation or divorce.
We have been asked to share our experiences on difficult pastoral situations, in particular a) situations in families and b) concerning unions of persons of the same sex.
In 2008, after 21 years of marriage, our relationship had hit rock bottom. I went to my doctor, with no positive response. I tried talking to members of my family, who offered advice. I went to my Priest, who listened to my hurt and handed me a Retrouvaille brochure. It is now 6 years later - I am a different person because of Retrouvaille and our marriage relationship has been evangelized. The church, through Retrouvaille, became the house of the Father, with doors wide open, a place for us with our problems.
Our 3 month program begins with a live-in weekend followed by 12 post-sessions. We are open to any couple, regardless of their religious beliefs.
Often we are approached by couples who have lived together for many years, have children but have not as yet married. Others have been married before and have a fear of making the same mistakes again. We also have couples on their second marriage, but who fall into the trap of bringing the same problems from their previous marriage into the new one. The majority of couples, however, are in their first marriages but arrive at our weekend totally disillusioned and often on the verge of divorce.
What leads couples to our program? Financial difficulties, infidelity and family of origin issues are common problems which result in what we call the singles married lifestyle- couples who are married but doing things separately. Often this single married lifestyle begins innocently but over time drives a wedge between the couple and they drift apart.
Our program looks at the four stages of marriage – romance, disillusionment, misery and joy. Most couples get stuck between the stages of disillusionment and misery. It is in the misery stage that many throw in the towel. It is our aim to equip couples with tools and techniques to get to the joy stage of marriage – where the emphasis is on us as opposed to the me or I attitude found in the single married lifestyle. We explain that love is a decision, not a feeling; as is trust and forgiveness. We also encourage forgiveness setting the hurt party free. We use the Parable of the Prodigal Son to show that just as the Father forgave his Son, we too can forgive ourselves and each other the hurts of the past – we can come back to the Father’s house - the Church and our homes. We can be the forgiving Father, by making the decision to forgive. We can also be the forgiven Son, by receiving forgiveness offered by our hurting spouse.
Children are greatly affected by an unhappy marriage. We have a few teachers on our team – they often share experiences of the pain and hurt shown in the children of separated, divorced or unhappy marriages. We emphasize that the best gift couples can give their children is to decide to love each other; to put their marriage first; and to stand united in all decisions involving the children. It inspires us when we receive letters from children, after their parents have completed our program, thanking us for their new moms and dads.
We have come across couples who are remarried and feel lost or aggrieved because they are unable to partake in the Eucharist. One example is that of a couple who married outside of the Catholic Church. The wife was non-Catholic and joined the RCIA to convert. As this was her second marriage, she had to apply to have her first marriage annulled. She became disillusioned with the Church and both husband and wife left the parish, after being in RCIA for 2 years and not being able to have the marriage annulled.
If God is the ultimate forgiver and full of compassion then these couples should be forgiven for previous mistakes, however, they believe that they are constantly reminded of guilt based on these past relationships or mistakes by not being able to partake in communion.
We have also had requests from same-sex unions or couples to attend Retrouvaille. We do chat with these couples and try to show understanding and compassion to them. However, we explain that our program is presented by teams of husbands and wives and that our stories and experiences would not relate to those in same-sex marriages or unions. We also have a list of professional counsellors who offer their services to same-sex unions and we pass this information on.
Retrouvaille has served the citizens of Durban, South Africa for 15 years, and communities round the world for 35 years. Approximately 10,000 couples attend our programs internationally every year, about 90% of these manage to turn away from divorce, some at the last opportunity.
Thank you for your time.
This afternoon's session, Difficult pastoral situations (Part II, Chapter 3), focused the attention of the Synod Fathers on two specific points: Familial situations and unions between persons of the same sex.
The President delegate, Cardinal Raymundo Damascene Assis, Archbishop of Aparecida (Brazil), introduced the testimony of a married couple by the names of Stephen and Sandra Conway, from South Africa, who are Regional Respondents for Retrouvailles in Africa. Mister and Mrs. Conway are attending the Synod as auditors.
Introduction by the President delegate
Cardinal Raymondo Damascene Assis
In this General Congregation, we will address the complex issues presented in Chapter 3 of the second part of the Instrumentum laboris, namely some difficult pastoral situations. These concern two kinds of realities: on one hand, some difficult family situations; and on the other hand, unions between persons of the same sex.
These are situations which require accompaniment by the Church for people who live in particular situations which have the potential to cause profound wounds for humanity, in their relationships with others and with God. Responding to the call of Pope Francis, we want to learn together, the art of accompaniment, in order to reflect our closeness and our compassionate gaze which also heals, liberates and encourages growth in the Christian life (EG, 169).
With regard to difficult family situations which require an urgent pastoral response, the Instrumentum laboris refers to the following reality: cohabitation (81); de facto unions (83); the situation facing those who are separated, divorced and remarried (86); children and those who are alone (87); young mothers (88); canonically irregular situations (89); access to the sacraments in all these cases (93-95); other requests (96); the particular situations facing separated and divorced Catholics (97); the simplification of marriage cases (98-102); the pastoral care of difficult situations (103-104); requests for the Sacrament of Marriage by non-practicing Catholics and non-believers (105-109).
Regarding unions between persons of the same sex, the discussion pertains to the following themes: civil recognition of these unions (110-112); necessary assessments by particular Churches (113-115); some pastoral guidelines in this regard (116-120).
Far from turning inward and examining the situation from a legalistic point of view, we want instead to immerse ourselves in the depths of these difficult situations in order to welcome all those for whom these situations are realities, in order that the Church should be perceived as the Father's house, where there is room for everyone, including those who are fatigued by life. We warmly welcome and thank Stephen and Sandra Conway, a married couple from South Africa who are Regional respondents for the Retrouvailles movement in Africa; let us attentively listen to their testimony with the openness of mind and heart which should characterize our pastoral ministry in the modern world.
Testimony of Stephen and Sandra Conway
Regional Respondants for Retrouvailles (South Africa)
Good day. We are Stephen and Sandra Conway - the Co-Ordinators for Retrouvaille in Africa. Retrouvaille is an organization that helps hurting couples who often attend our program as a last resort, before separation or divorce.
We have been asked to share our experiences on difficult pastoral situations, in particular a) situations in families and b) concerning unions of persons of the same sex.
In 2008, after 21 years of marriage, our relationship had hit rock bottom. I went to my doctor, with no positive response. I tried talking to members of my family, who offered advice. I went to my Priest, who listened to my hurt and handed me a Retrouvaille brochure. It is now 6 years later - I am a different person because of Retrouvaille and our marriage relationship has been evangelized. The church, through Retrouvaille, became the house of the Father, with doors wide open, a place for us with our problems.
Our 3 month program begins with a live-in weekend followed by 12 post-sessions. We are open to any couple, regardless of their religious beliefs.
Often we are approached by couples who have lived together for many years, have children but have not as yet married. Others have been married before and have a fear of making the same mistakes again. We also have couples on their second marriage, but who fall into the trap of bringing the same problems from their previous marriage into the new one. The majority of couples, however, are in their first marriages but arrive at our weekend totally disillusioned and often on the verge of divorce.
What leads couples to our program? Financial difficulties, infidelity and family of origin issues are common problems which result in what we call the singles married lifestyle- couples who are married but doing things separately. Often this single married lifestyle begins innocently but over time drives a wedge between the couple and they drift apart.
Our program looks at the four stages of marriage – romance, disillusionment, misery and joy. Most couples get stuck between the stages of disillusionment and misery. It is in the misery stage that many throw in the towel. It is our aim to equip couples with tools and techniques to get to the joy stage of marriage – where the emphasis is on us as opposed to the me or I attitude found in the single married lifestyle. We explain that love is a decision, not a feeling; as is trust and forgiveness. We also encourage forgiveness setting the hurt party free. We use the Parable of the Prodigal Son to show that just as the Father forgave his Son, we too can forgive ourselves and each other the hurts of the past – we can come back to the Father’s house - the Church and our homes. We can be the forgiving Father, by making the decision to forgive. We can also be the forgiven Son, by receiving forgiveness offered by our hurting spouse.
Children are greatly affected by an unhappy marriage. We have a few teachers on our team – they often share experiences of the pain and hurt shown in the children of separated, divorced or unhappy marriages. We emphasize that the best gift couples can give their children is to decide to love each other; to put their marriage first; and to stand united in all decisions involving the children. It inspires us when we receive letters from children, after their parents have completed our program, thanking us for their new moms and dads.
We have come across couples who are remarried and feel lost or aggrieved because they are unable to partake in the Eucharist. One example is that of a couple who married outside of the Catholic Church. The wife was non-Catholic and joined the RCIA to convert. As this was her second marriage, she had to apply to have her first marriage annulled. She became disillusioned with the Church and both husband and wife left the parish, after being in RCIA for 2 years and not being able to have the marriage annulled.
If God is the ultimate forgiver and full of compassion then these couples should be forgiven for previous mistakes, however, they believe that they are constantly reminded of guilt based on these past relationships or mistakes by not being able to partake in communion.
We have also had requests from same-sex unions or couples to attend Retrouvaille. We do chat with these couples and try to show understanding and compassion to them. However, we explain that our program is presented by teams of husbands and wives and that our stories and experiences would not relate to those in same-sex marriages or unions. We also have a list of professional counsellors who offer their services to same-sex unions and we pass this information on.
Retrouvaille has served the citizens of Durban, South Africa for 15 years, and communities round the world for 35 years. Approximately 10,000 couples attend our programs internationally every year, about 90% of these manage to turn away from divorce, some at the last opportunity.
Thank you for your time.
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